8 weeks but yet full of suffer. I guess every pregnant women will felt the same especially at early stage of pregnancy at 1st trimester. Because that's the time where you don't know what is going on in there.
The embryo is just a size of peanut, probably smaller or larger than that. Afterall.... indeed subsequent 2 weeks checking is torturing.
I'm supposed long distance travel ain't not a good choice for me, especially last check doc said I non stop having contraction. But due to pre family plan. I need to travel by car for about 2 hours journey and plenty of walks required. I praying so hard in my heart hope baby and God hear my prayer to let my baby grows in time. Trying my best to minimise my steps. Trying to reduce my anger. I had tried my very best.
A follow up check up today, my heart jumping like hot pot. I tried to be positive but never once I being calm. As mother, I don't feel different. It is a bad sign of it? I really don't know and hope someone would tell me.... I'm like having a playback video in my mind, talking to myself over and over again. Is s/he still there? Is s/he trying hard with me? Is It looking at blessing over for me? Did I do something wrong that harm him/her? I guess before the real time arrived, I had gone insane.
I tried to stay positive at the same time prepare the worst. I'm not sure how many mothers out there gone thru the same cycle. But I really wish I want to crying out loud. No one will know what I felt, the scared n worrieness.
Dear God, please listen to my prayer. All I want us a healthy baby in my hand with all my wishes and blessings.
"Crying out loud in my heart; tears dripped deeply in my heart:
Monday, October 5, 2015
Sunday, September 20, 2015
Pulling out....
Two weeks... a total of two weeks and almost took my breath away.... 2 weeks of waiting till I reached 6 weeks old and going to scan the baby exist really taking my entire mind and soul away!
Day in and out, i was wondering whether the baby is s/he still there with me?
Sometimes when i felt period cramp, i felt s/he might be here and now stretching of womb expanding of sac to let the embryo stays comfort. At the same time, i had my shoulder pain, i couldn't differentiate it is a shoulder pain or should tip pain... which might be Ectopic Pregnancy.
Again, no thank to GOOGLE because of its convenience, i often check on my status and every single symptoms thru GOOGLE. The more i check, the more crying feeling i have. The answers are varies and there is no certain answer from them. It can be either both good and bad.
It really gave me too much of pain to go thru. My hubby told me whatever i felt the baby felt too. But in my mind, do the baby knows Mommy wants s/he so much till really hope i can hear heartbeat and see the baby sac soon with amazing embryo. But the process is really in pain.
AND TODAY, it is my final day before i going for my checkup. To be frank, i rather not to check till s/he reaches 3 months' old. I really have no more energy and i having serious mental issue and stress. From early at positive till now i filled with negative vibe. I know i shouldn't be like that at this stage, staying positive might help me. But today things just not working the right way, i felt watery inner me, is like period/fluid going to flow out anytime. I had my shoulder/shoulder tip pain, headache, and diarrhea, fever. After 2 weeks i had gone thru, the sudden change in symptom really frighten me. I really losing my confidence. Although i was told not to recalled the last two miscarriage, but God knows how much i need the baby, and how much i scared it recurrent again.
I told my hubby if really recurrent, then i don't want any confinement, neither taking care myself, because is pointless. I spoke my colleague about my past experience, at the same time, i told her what i want it just hopes baby healthy and complete with me. But only God knows what is going on next.
I really pulling out myself to go for body check, I am too afraid to get the know the facts. I rather s/he stays with me till 9 months old, and carry him/her at my arm in person with no further check required. I have no one to tell my issue my blog my only channel. Tears dropping like waterfall, but who can help and support me for now? Can anyone give me answer?
God please hear my prayer, all i want is to have a healthy and complete baby of mine.... i need strong baby dust and baby please stays with mommy. Mommy loves you more than anyone else....
Day in and out, i was wondering whether the baby is s/he still there with me?
Sometimes when i felt period cramp, i felt s/he might be here and now stretching of womb expanding of sac to let the embryo stays comfort. At the same time, i had my shoulder pain, i couldn't differentiate it is a shoulder pain or should tip pain... which might be Ectopic Pregnancy.
Again, no thank to GOOGLE because of its convenience, i often check on my status and every single symptoms thru GOOGLE. The more i check, the more crying feeling i have. The answers are varies and there is no certain answer from them. It can be either both good and bad.
It really gave me too much of pain to go thru. My hubby told me whatever i felt the baby felt too. But in my mind, do the baby knows Mommy wants s/he so much till really hope i can hear heartbeat and see the baby sac soon with amazing embryo. But the process is really in pain.
AND TODAY, it is my final day before i going for my checkup. To be frank, i rather not to check till s/he reaches 3 months' old. I really have no more energy and i having serious mental issue and stress. From early at positive till now i filled with negative vibe. I know i shouldn't be like that at this stage, staying positive might help me. But today things just not working the right way, i felt watery inner me, is like period/fluid going to flow out anytime. I had my shoulder/shoulder tip pain, headache, and diarrhea, fever. After 2 weeks i had gone thru, the sudden change in symptom really frighten me. I really losing my confidence. Although i was told not to recalled the last two miscarriage, but God knows how much i need the baby, and how much i scared it recurrent again.
I told my hubby if really recurrent, then i don't want any confinement, neither taking care myself, because is pointless. I spoke my colleague about my past experience, at the same time, i told her what i want it just hopes baby healthy and complete with me. But only God knows what is going on next.
I really pulling out myself to go for body check, I am too afraid to get the know the facts. I rather s/he stays with me till 9 months old, and carry him/her at my arm in person with no further check required. I have no one to tell my issue my blog my only channel. Tears dropping like waterfall, but who can help and support me for now? Can anyone give me answer?
God please hear my prayer, all i want is to have a healthy and complete baby of mine.... i need strong baby dust and baby please stays with mommy. Mommy loves you more than anyone else....
Thursday, September 10, 2015
2 weeks and counting....
With no choice, with not much of complain i can talk about... and yes, blog is the only way i can release my thought in mind, and pain in heart
I visited doc and BFP showed and confirmed on 7 September. But because no sac was found.... that make me a big sad on my face as i don't know what is going on until 2 weeks later. A lot of thing can be happened and i went thru previous experience, it really giving me so much of discomfort
At first, I told doc and nurse that i have discharge. They asked me it is smell, and i can't recalled but sour. So they ask me to put in one big tablet into my vaginal. That is so painful, even it is in but i think it diluted out the next day. Well, i assumed a fail insert. So my yellow, greenish discharge still continue with fluid.
That's created a lot of imagination and GOOGLE remarkably become my daily friend, where i put in every questions that i have in mind. But with yes/no answer, really giving you a damn! Like what is the real answer now!
Furthermore, my mind is like i smell garlic, means morning sickness is here? Then, i crave food at night. While i eat, because i felt i am gaining. So i cry to my husband. Trust me.... i even cry to my husband because of nothing. But it happened for short time... till it sharps pain come.
Well, every as and when, i felt pain in my stomach... (to be exact, one inch below my belly button and one inch on my right). That really making me insane!!!! Mr google told me that it is a sign of ECTOPIC... yes, the most horrify word i would never want to think off. And i have a very high sense of period (AF) is coming soon. Seriously is not even the time i meet the doctor yet, and still weeks + days to go. I really don't know how my mental going to take it.....
I worried something happened inside which i couldnt see. At the same time, worried the "little sprout" not growing, and little heart beat wish we can hear.... Too much of worried in my head and flying around. Gods know what is going to happen next.... Please pray for me....
I need a lot of prayer..... mommy just hope you are healthy and fine, till May to hug you in person with bless and love to give you.
I visited doc and BFP showed and confirmed on 7 September. But because no sac was found.... that make me a big sad on my face as i don't know what is going on until 2 weeks later. A lot of thing can be happened and i went thru previous experience, it really giving me so much of discomfort
At first, I told doc and nurse that i have discharge. They asked me it is smell, and i can't recalled but sour. So they ask me to put in one big tablet into my vaginal. That is so painful, even it is in but i think it diluted out the next day. Well, i assumed a fail insert. So my yellow, greenish discharge still continue with fluid.
That's created a lot of imagination and GOOGLE remarkably become my daily friend, where i put in every questions that i have in mind. But with yes/no answer, really giving you a damn! Like what is the real answer now!
Furthermore, my mind is like i smell garlic, means morning sickness is here? Then, i crave food at night. While i eat, because i felt i am gaining. So i cry to my husband. Trust me.... i even cry to my husband because of nothing. But it happened for short time... till it sharps pain come.
Well, every as and when, i felt pain in my stomach... (to be exact, one inch below my belly button and one inch on my right). That really making me insane!!!! Mr google told me that it is a sign of ECTOPIC... yes, the most horrify word i would never want to think off. And i have a very high sense of period (AF) is coming soon. Seriously is not even the time i meet the doctor yet, and still weeks + days to go. I really don't know how my mental going to take it.....
I worried something happened inside which i couldnt see. At the same time, worried the "little sprout" not growing, and little heart beat wish we can hear.... Too much of worried in my head and flying around. Gods know what is going to happen next.... Please pray for me....
I need a lot of prayer..... mommy just hope you are healthy and fine, till May to hug you in person with bless and love to give you.
Hooray but driving me NUTS!
Alright! After IUI treatment, waited 3 weeks for the results. And voila... yes! Three pregnancy home test showed positive before i could see the doctor.
I know! I know! Before that, I was totally pulling off my hope while waiting for the 3 weeks. The first negative test which i did in day 10 post iui really gave me some disappointment. But i really couldn't help myself not to think about it because the waiting moment is killing me. But at least now it shown positive. Somehow a good news right.
On the dot of the appointment date with doc, again with urine test, it shows positive as well. BUT this time i don't see a sac. The doc posted a question whether do i see a sac before my miscarried previously, I told him yes for my 1st, and not to my 2nd. I know by not seeing sac thru vaginal scan, it could be a possibility that i could have ectopic pregnancy.
Yes, a word i scared and worried the most. I do not know what gone wrong in my 2nd pregnancy while no sac being found while some people says it might be ectopic and it might re-occurrence again. But the doc gave me "a look" and say, it could your baby stilll young, from the time i did IUI it could be only 3 weeks old. But using pregnancy calculator, my dod is 12 May 2016, which is 4 weeks old instead.
He asked me to return and back in two weeks time! AGAIN!!! Two weeks?? I can say, it is my longest days i ever gone thru. Only God and my hubby know how much mentally torture i had well thru.
Alright... let's first hooray that i pregnancy and next continue with the crazy and nuts momento i went thru!
I know! I know! Before that, I was totally pulling off my hope while waiting for the 3 weeks. The first negative test which i did in day 10 post iui really gave me some disappointment. But i really couldn't help myself not to think about it because the waiting moment is killing me. But at least now it shown positive. Somehow a good news right.
On the dot of the appointment date with doc, again with urine test, it shows positive as well. BUT this time i don't see a sac. The doc posted a question whether do i see a sac before my miscarried previously, I told him yes for my 1st, and not to my 2nd. I know by not seeing sac thru vaginal scan, it could be a possibility that i could have ectopic pregnancy.
Yes, a word i scared and worried the most. I do not know what gone wrong in my 2nd pregnancy while no sac being found while some people says it might be ectopic and it might re-occurrence again. But the doc gave me "a look" and say, it could your baby stilll young, from the time i did IUI it could be only 3 weeks old. But using pregnancy calculator, my dod is 12 May 2016, which is 4 weeks old instead.
He asked me to return and back in two weeks time! AGAIN!!! Two weeks?? I can say, it is my longest days i ever gone thru. Only God and my hubby know how much mentally torture i had well thru.
Alright... let's first hooray that i pregnancy and next continue with the crazy and nuts momento i went thru!
Tuesday, August 25, 2015
BFN
After tested yesterday, it shown a BIG FAT NEGATIVE (BFN).
Although a lot of people blogged or even updated that 9dpiui is still early to say. But as a sense of "mother" i knew it is negative. Yesterday night was having a pillow midnight talk with my DH, he told me I'm not doctor and will not know the actual. But i told him i have six sense, he replied cow sense. Ya! Ya! Skipped all the grandmother old story.
I were a mother of two, and definitely i can sense if is here. Now... I think i gonna skip for this month after AF perhaps wait for another before restart it again. I had been trying it like almost 3 months continuously, and i know my body can't cope it much longer especially my hormone.
Good luck to those that working on it. Need more baby dust to me....
Although a lot of people blogged or even updated that 9dpiui is still early to say. But as a sense of "mother" i knew it is negative. Yesterday night was having a pillow midnight talk with my DH, he told me I'm not doctor and will not know the actual. But i told him i have six sense, he replied cow sense. Ya! Ya! Skipped all the grandmother old story.
I were a mother of two, and definitely i can sense if is here. Now... I think i gonna skip for this month after AF perhaps wait for another before restart it again. I had been trying it like almost 3 months continuously, and i know my body can't cope it much longer especially my hormone.
Good luck to those that working on it. Need more baby dust to me....
Crazy 2WW
Alright. I really need a place to release my stress and someone i can talk about right now! Today is my 9dpiui and im surprised i can hold this long by only one test on BFP, and obviously is a BPN. However, probably i saw a faint line but could be my imaginary eye to hope to see on the BFP.
After twice of miscarriage and someone told i couldn't conceive till the year of three. Finally the tears drop like no one else as i couldn't wait much longer for my own child. I decided to tell my DH i want to go second options, at least my effort to make impossible, hopefully possible.
When we visited doc for the first time, we tried twice purely on clomid, and guess what. It don't work on me at all. Probably because i have PCOS issue, the most i had was 2 follicles. Somehow it doesn't work it out. It is because we both not hardworking enough during the intercourse, or is my follicle that rejecting DH sperms.
Fine! Stop of the lengthened wording over failure clomid. I decided go straight to IUI because I felt heart burning during my second clomid intake. Me and my DH don't want to see things gone worst and clomid at maximum a person could take 3 times.
I will skipped all the process to the next time when I felt like writing on it. Back to the tortured 2ww, is only 9dpiui. Every day I google and check on different iui blog or probably experience as inexperienced so much different one day to another. In my mind non stop floating whether it is BFP or BFN. With cramping it is ovulate? It is sign of pregnancy? Or omg! Not again?
It is mentally torture to me! I can't tell anyone or share with anyone which I doing such process. I neither can express my nervous. It just insane 9 days and I decided to test today.
Please pray and hope for baby dust!
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