Today mark my 13th dpiui... in fact a bfn. I told myself to be prepared mentally before the trust come into picture. But the end, I can't hide it from my DH at all.
I told myself don't think, don't cry but is mission impossible. I sobbing badly when I think of failure. Imagine I'm. 30th but yet I can fail from simplest process of iui. I felt myself a jerk, a jerk that stupid and unforgiveable.
At one point I really think of suicide. I know is being naive and childish to have such thought. But somehow the mentally torture which no one can understand myself better than anyone else.
The result not only dissapointed myself but I fail to my DH and my families. A simple.mission as a wife which I can't complete it. Faith? Why me? Why I'm the chosen one? What I did wrong till I have to face this punishment. I thought of mercy as I lost 3 before that, but by the end there is nothing but again and again dissapiintment and failure causing me so much of losing hope.
Why the faith has chosen me? What I did wrong till I get the punishment? Am I being greedy by praying for my own cuddle. When I see people hugging with baby, seeing my friend with their children. How much I hope and pray they are one of mine own. How could one consider greedy when at least I wish one of my own.
I know that I couldn't blame anyone else, but I guess is me that should be blamed as my failure causing no baby neither grandchild for my love one.
God given me a simple life, but taken my hope. It is being simple is a punishment? Who else can listen to me but I guess no one but myself. As thousand of reasons I have heard but none able to know the pain in me. Probably is my destiny.... what else I could say.
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
failure of #3IUI
Okay... i really don't know who can i speak to and i do not know how am i going to describe my feeling.
IUI was once a success to me and i always trust it is a best way i could have by trying to conceive naturally. Apparently it is not going as I'm suppose to let it happen. This is my second time and im anticipating AF to come... what i did wrong? I just need one child, and cuddle of my own. But what i going thru is like roller coaster.
If either me or my DH is having issue or problem in production, pretty fair enough that i can undergo IVF. However, doctor checked and diagnosed that we both work fine. My DH washed and the sperms are working well, and follicles look good.
But WHAT WENT WRONG!
DH told me is a faith by GOD, but which GOD can tell me when is my time for my own cuddle puff. I wanted to cry out loud but it only silent in my heart. DH only said faith which i can't further my feeling. GOD know me better than anyone else but who else giving me a mercy to my pain and replacing my hope and promises?
IUI was once a success to me and i always trust it is a best way i could have by trying to conceive naturally. Apparently it is not going as I'm suppose to let it happen. This is my second time and im anticipating AF to come... what i did wrong? I just need one child, and cuddle of my own. But what i going thru is like roller coaster.
If either me or my DH is having issue or problem in production, pretty fair enough that i can undergo IVF. However, doctor checked and diagnosed that we both work fine. My DH washed and the sperms are working well, and follicles look good.
But WHAT WENT WRONG!
DH told me is a faith by GOD, but which GOD can tell me when is my time for my own cuddle puff. I wanted to cry out loud but it only silent in my heart. DH only said faith which i can't further my feeling. GOD know me better than anyone else but who else giving me a mercy to my pain and replacing my hope and promises?
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