Today mark my 13th dpiui... in fact a bfn. I told myself to be prepared mentally before the trust come into picture. But the end, I can't hide it from my DH at all.
I told myself don't think, don't cry but is mission impossible. I sobbing badly when I think of failure. Imagine I'm. 30th but yet I can fail from simplest process of iui. I felt myself a jerk, a jerk that stupid and unforgiveable.
At one point I really think of suicide. I know is being naive and childish to have such thought. But somehow the mentally torture which no one can understand myself better than anyone else.
The result not only dissapointed myself but I fail to my DH and my families. A simple.mission as a wife which I can't complete it. Faith? Why me? Why I'm the chosen one? What I did wrong till I have to face this punishment. I thought of mercy as I lost 3 before that, but by the end there is nothing but again and again dissapiintment and failure causing me so much of losing hope.
Why the faith has chosen me? What I did wrong till I get the punishment? Am I being greedy by praying for my own cuddle. When I see people hugging with baby, seeing my friend with their children. How much I hope and pray they are one of mine own. How could one consider greedy when at least I wish one of my own.
I know that I couldn't blame anyone else, but I guess is me that should be blamed as my failure causing no baby neither grandchild for my love one.
God given me a simple life, but taken my hope. It is being simple is a punishment? Who else can listen to me but I guess no one but myself. As thousand of reasons I have heard but none able to know the pain in me. Probably is my destiny.... what else I could say.
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
failure of #3IUI
Okay... i really don't know who can i speak to and i do not know how am i going to describe my feeling.
IUI was once a success to me and i always trust it is a best way i could have by trying to conceive naturally. Apparently it is not going as I'm suppose to let it happen. This is my second time and im anticipating AF to come... what i did wrong? I just need one child, and cuddle of my own. But what i going thru is like roller coaster.
If either me or my DH is having issue or problem in production, pretty fair enough that i can undergo IVF. However, doctor checked and diagnosed that we both work fine. My DH washed and the sperms are working well, and follicles look good.
But WHAT WENT WRONG!
DH told me is a faith by GOD, but which GOD can tell me when is my time for my own cuddle puff. I wanted to cry out loud but it only silent in my heart. DH only said faith which i can't further my feeling. GOD know me better than anyone else but who else giving me a mercy to my pain and replacing my hope and promises?
IUI was once a success to me and i always trust it is a best way i could have by trying to conceive naturally. Apparently it is not going as I'm suppose to let it happen. This is my second time and im anticipating AF to come... what i did wrong? I just need one child, and cuddle of my own. But what i going thru is like roller coaster.
If either me or my DH is having issue or problem in production, pretty fair enough that i can undergo IVF. However, doctor checked and diagnosed that we both work fine. My DH washed and the sperms are working well, and follicles look good.
But WHAT WENT WRONG!
DH told me is a faith by GOD, but which GOD can tell me when is my time for my own cuddle puff. I wanted to cry out loud but it only silent in my heart. DH only said faith which i can't further my feeling. GOD know me better than anyone else but who else giving me a mercy to my pain and replacing my hope and promises?
Monday, April 11, 2016
#2 iui after 1st fail and miscarriage
6 months ago I had my iui and tiny sprout can't survived till week 6. This time around I allow doctor to sent the embryo for gene test to ensure baby is healthy. After one month, the baby shown perfectly healthy and is a baby girl. Trust me. Even doctor couldn't explain why does it happened. The only condition he saw was contraction during pregnancy, which probably the next thing have to take note on. As usual, I underwent 2 weeks of confinement, and on 18 March 2016 I restarted the process again.
I did not went thru any clomic self trial this time, but straight to iui process. Same process wouldn't want to repeat like an old grandmother, after all the injection, medication and today I tested it negative. I don't even see a single light line AT ALL. Realised that having a BFN is much disappointed than anything else. Is totally a lose of hope, can't do anything but cry throughout the night and fell asleep. It is by hope that AF comes soon and smooth, and allow me to restart the process again.
Hubby consoled me that we knew iui doesn't mean success. We can always try again, but in fact, I felt myself as failure. How could I even lose my battle under iui processes. It means my womb getting weak n weaker. Couldn't even hold an embryo with me. What I did wrong, I need to went thru such punishment, I can't have my own healthy baby. I would have do anything to have one of my own. But God knows, how long they want to keep me waiting and punish me in pain.
I have nothing I wish but my own baby. When the wish will be granted?
Crying badly at my own light.
😢😢😢😢😢😢
Monday, October 5, 2015
The day has arrived
8 weeks but yet full of suffer. I guess every pregnant women will felt the same especially at early stage of pregnancy at 1st trimester. Because that's the time where you don't know what is going on in there.
The embryo is just a size of peanut, probably smaller or larger than that. Afterall.... indeed subsequent 2 weeks checking is torturing.
I'm supposed long distance travel ain't not a good choice for me, especially last check doc said I non stop having contraction. But due to pre family plan. I need to travel by car for about 2 hours journey and plenty of walks required. I praying so hard in my heart hope baby and God hear my prayer to let my baby grows in time. Trying my best to minimise my steps. Trying to reduce my anger. I had tried my very best.
A follow up check up today, my heart jumping like hot pot. I tried to be positive but never once I being calm. As mother, I don't feel different. It is a bad sign of it? I really don't know and hope someone would tell me.... I'm like having a playback video in my mind, talking to myself over and over again. Is s/he still there? Is s/he trying hard with me? Is It looking at blessing over for me? Did I do something wrong that harm him/her? I guess before the real time arrived, I had gone insane.
I tried to stay positive at the same time prepare the worst. I'm not sure how many mothers out there gone thru the same cycle. But I really wish I want to crying out loud. No one will know what I felt, the scared n worrieness.
Dear God, please listen to my prayer. All I want us a healthy baby in my hand with all my wishes and blessings.
"Crying out loud in my heart; tears dripped deeply in my heart:
The embryo is just a size of peanut, probably smaller or larger than that. Afterall.... indeed subsequent 2 weeks checking is torturing.
I'm supposed long distance travel ain't not a good choice for me, especially last check doc said I non stop having contraction. But due to pre family plan. I need to travel by car for about 2 hours journey and plenty of walks required. I praying so hard in my heart hope baby and God hear my prayer to let my baby grows in time. Trying my best to minimise my steps. Trying to reduce my anger. I had tried my very best.
A follow up check up today, my heart jumping like hot pot. I tried to be positive but never once I being calm. As mother, I don't feel different. It is a bad sign of it? I really don't know and hope someone would tell me.... I'm like having a playback video in my mind, talking to myself over and over again. Is s/he still there? Is s/he trying hard with me? Is It looking at blessing over for me? Did I do something wrong that harm him/her? I guess before the real time arrived, I had gone insane.
I tried to stay positive at the same time prepare the worst. I'm not sure how many mothers out there gone thru the same cycle. But I really wish I want to crying out loud. No one will know what I felt, the scared n worrieness.
Dear God, please listen to my prayer. All I want us a healthy baby in my hand with all my wishes and blessings.
"Crying out loud in my heart; tears dripped deeply in my heart:
Sunday, September 20, 2015
Pulling out....
Two weeks... a total of two weeks and almost took my breath away.... 2 weeks of waiting till I reached 6 weeks old and going to scan the baby exist really taking my entire mind and soul away!
Day in and out, i was wondering whether the baby is s/he still there with me?
Sometimes when i felt period cramp, i felt s/he might be here and now stretching of womb expanding of sac to let the embryo stays comfort. At the same time, i had my shoulder pain, i couldn't differentiate it is a shoulder pain or should tip pain... which might be Ectopic Pregnancy.
Again, no thank to GOOGLE because of its convenience, i often check on my status and every single symptoms thru GOOGLE. The more i check, the more crying feeling i have. The answers are varies and there is no certain answer from them. It can be either both good and bad.
It really gave me too much of pain to go thru. My hubby told me whatever i felt the baby felt too. But in my mind, do the baby knows Mommy wants s/he so much till really hope i can hear heartbeat and see the baby sac soon with amazing embryo. But the process is really in pain.
AND TODAY, it is my final day before i going for my checkup. To be frank, i rather not to check till s/he reaches 3 months' old. I really have no more energy and i having serious mental issue and stress. From early at positive till now i filled with negative vibe. I know i shouldn't be like that at this stage, staying positive might help me. But today things just not working the right way, i felt watery inner me, is like period/fluid going to flow out anytime. I had my shoulder/shoulder tip pain, headache, and diarrhea, fever. After 2 weeks i had gone thru, the sudden change in symptom really frighten me. I really losing my confidence. Although i was told not to recalled the last two miscarriage, but God knows how much i need the baby, and how much i scared it recurrent again.
I told my hubby if really recurrent, then i don't want any confinement, neither taking care myself, because is pointless. I spoke my colleague about my past experience, at the same time, i told her what i want it just hopes baby healthy and complete with me. But only God knows what is going on next.
I really pulling out myself to go for body check, I am too afraid to get the know the facts. I rather s/he stays with me till 9 months old, and carry him/her at my arm in person with no further check required. I have no one to tell my issue my blog my only channel. Tears dropping like waterfall, but who can help and support me for now? Can anyone give me answer?
God please hear my prayer, all i want is to have a healthy and complete baby of mine.... i need strong baby dust and baby please stays with mommy. Mommy loves you more than anyone else....
Day in and out, i was wondering whether the baby is s/he still there with me?
Sometimes when i felt period cramp, i felt s/he might be here and now stretching of womb expanding of sac to let the embryo stays comfort. At the same time, i had my shoulder pain, i couldn't differentiate it is a shoulder pain or should tip pain... which might be Ectopic Pregnancy.
Again, no thank to GOOGLE because of its convenience, i often check on my status and every single symptoms thru GOOGLE. The more i check, the more crying feeling i have. The answers are varies and there is no certain answer from them. It can be either both good and bad.
It really gave me too much of pain to go thru. My hubby told me whatever i felt the baby felt too. But in my mind, do the baby knows Mommy wants s/he so much till really hope i can hear heartbeat and see the baby sac soon with amazing embryo. But the process is really in pain.
AND TODAY, it is my final day before i going for my checkup. To be frank, i rather not to check till s/he reaches 3 months' old. I really have no more energy and i having serious mental issue and stress. From early at positive till now i filled with negative vibe. I know i shouldn't be like that at this stage, staying positive might help me. But today things just not working the right way, i felt watery inner me, is like period/fluid going to flow out anytime. I had my shoulder/shoulder tip pain, headache, and diarrhea, fever. After 2 weeks i had gone thru, the sudden change in symptom really frighten me. I really losing my confidence. Although i was told not to recalled the last two miscarriage, but God knows how much i need the baby, and how much i scared it recurrent again.
I told my hubby if really recurrent, then i don't want any confinement, neither taking care myself, because is pointless. I spoke my colleague about my past experience, at the same time, i told her what i want it just hopes baby healthy and complete with me. But only God knows what is going on next.
I really pulling out myself to go for body check, I am too afraid to get the know the facts. I rather s/he stays with me till 9 months old, and carry him/her at my arm in person with no further check required. I have no one to tell my issue my blog my only channel. Tears dropping like waterfall, but who can help and support me for now? Can anyone give me answer?
God please hear my prayer, all i want is to have a healthy and complete baby of mine.... i need strong baby dust and baby please stays with mommy. Mommy loves you more than anyone else....
Thursday, September 10, 2015
2 weeks and counting....
With no choice, with not much of complain i can talk about... and yes, blog is the only way i can release my thought in mind, and pain in heart
I visited doc and BFP showed and confirmed on 7 September. But because no sac was found.... that make me a big sad on my face as i don't know what is going on until 2 weeks later. A lot of thing can be happened and i went thru previous experience, it really giving me so much of discomfort
At first, I told doc and nurse that i have discharge. They asked me it is smell, and i can't recalled but sour. So they ask me to put in one big tablet into my vaginal. That is so painful, even it is in but i think it diluted out the next day. Well, i assumed a fail insert. So my yellow, greenish discharge still continue with fluid.
That's created a lot of imagination and GOOGLE remarkably become my daily friend, where i put in every questions that i have in mind. But with yes/no answer, really giving you a damn! Like what is the real answer now!
Furthermore, my mind is like i smell garlic, means morning sickness is here? Then, i crave food at night. While i eat, because i felt i am gaining. So i cry to my husband. Trust me.... i even cry to my husband because of nothing. But it happened for short time... till it sharps pain come.
Well, every as and when, i felt pain in my stomach... (to be exact, one inch below my belly button and one inch on my right). That really making me insane!!!! Mr google told me that it is a sign of ECTOPIC... yes, the most horrify word i would never want to think off. And i have a very high sense of period (AF) is coming soon. Seriously is not even the time i meet the doctor yet, and still weeks + days to go. I really don't know how my mental going to take it.....
I worried something happened inside which i couldnt see. At the same time, worried the "little sprout" not growing, and little heart beat wish we can hear.... Too much of worried in my head and flying around. Gods know what is going to happen next.... Please pray for me....
I need a lot of prayer..... mommy just hope you are healthy and fine, till May to hug you in person with bless and love to give you.
I visited doc and BFP showed and confirmed on 7 September. But because no sac was found.... that make me a big sad on my face as i don't know what is going on until 2 weeks later. A lot of thing can be happened and i went thru previous experience, it really giving me so much of discomfort
At first, I told doc and nurse that i have discharge. They asked me it is smell, and i can't recalled but sour. So they ask me to put in one big tablet into my vaginal. That is so painful, even it is in but i think it diluted out the next day. Well, i assumed a fail insert. So my yellow, greenish discharge still continue with fluid.
That's created a lot of imagination and GOOGLE remarkably become my daily friend, where i put in every questions that i have in mind. But with yes/no answer, really giving you a damn! Like what is the real answer now!
Furthermore, my mind is like i smell garlic, means morning sickness is here? Then, i crave food at night. While i eat, because i felt i am gaining. So i cry to my husband. Trust me.... i even cry to my husband because of nothing. But it happened for short time... till it sharps pain come.
Well, every as and when, i felt pain in my stomach... (to be exact, one inch below my belly button and one inch on my right). That really making me insane!!!! Mr google told me that it is a sign of ECTOPIC... yes, the most horrify word i would never want to think off. And i have a very high sense of period (AF) is coming soon. Seriously is not even the time i meet the doctor yet, and still weeks + days to go. I really don't know how my mental going to take it.....
I worried something happened inside which i couldnt see. At the same time, worried the "little sprout" not growing, and little heart beat wish we can hear.... Too much of worried in my head and flying around. Gods know what is going to happen next.... Please pray for me....
I need a lot of prayer..... mommy just hope you are healthy and fine, till May to hug you in person with bless and love to give you.
Hooray but driving me NUTS!
Alright! After IUI treatment, waited 3 weeks for the results. And voila... yes! Three pregnancy home test showed positive before i could see the doctor.
I know! I know! Before that, I was totally pulling off my hope while waiting for the 3 weeks. The first negative test which i did in day 10 post iui really gave me some disappointment. But i really couldn't help myself not to think about it because the waiting moment is killing me. But at least now it shown positive. Somehow a good news right.
On the dot of the appointment date with doc, again with urine test, it shows positive as well. BUT this time i don't see a sac. The doc posted a question whether do i see a sac before my miscarried previously, I told him yes for my 1st, and not to my 2nd. I know by not seeing sac thru vaginal scan, it could be a possibility that i could have ectopic pregnancy.
Yes, a word i scared and worried the most. I do not know what gone wrong in my 2nd pregnancy while no sac being found while some people says it might be ectopic and it might re-occurrence again. But the doc gave me "a look" and say, it could your baby stilll young, from the time i did IUI it could be only 3 weeks old. But using pregnancy calculator, my dod is 12 May 2016, which is 4 weeks old instead.
He asked me to return and back in two weeks time! AGAIN!!! Two weeks?? I can say, it is my longest days i ever gone thru. Only God and my hubby know how much mentally torture i had well thru.
Alright... let's first hooray that i pregnancy and next continue with the crazy and nuts momento i went thru!
I know! I know! Before that, I was totally pulling off my hope while waiting for the 3 weeks. The first negative test which i did in day 10 post iui really gave me some disappointment. But i really couldn't help myself not to think about it because the waiting moment is killing me. But at least now it shown positive. Somehow a good news right.
On the dot of the appointment date with doc, again with urine test, it shows positive as well. BUT this time i don't see a sac. The doc posted a question whether do i see a sac before my miscarried previously, I told him yes for my 1st, and not to my 2nd. I know by not seeing sac thru vaginal scan, it could be a possibility that i could have ectopic pregnancy.
Yes, a word i scared and worried the most. I do not know what gone wrong in my 2nd pregnancy while no sac being found while some people says it might be ectopic and it might re-occurrence again. But the doc gave me "a look" and say, it could your baby stilll young, from the time i did IUI it could be only 3 weeks old. But using pregnancy calculator, my dod is 12 May 2016, which is 4 weeks old instead.
He asked me to return and back in two weeks time! AGAIN!!! Two weeks?? I can say, it is my longest days i ever gone thru. Only God and my hubby know how much mentally torture i had well thru.
Alright... let's first hooray that i pregnancy and next continue with the crazy and nuts momento i went thru!
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